Blogging my way to getting MOORE outta life!

The truth: I’m scared shitless!!!

With absolutely NO topic in mind, I have logged on to BLOG!  Why?  Because this was meant to be my way of getting more out of myself, my life.  Of finding goals.  Of achieving goals.  Having a blog (and readers) was meant to be my impetus!  To hold me accountable!  And you do!  You all do!  And as they say, it’s not you, it’s me!  For what have I allowed myself to do?…  Fall off the damn wagon!  I’ve been neglecting blogging because I feel like I’m not doing anything towards my daily happiness.  I’ve been neglecting blogging because I don’t want to admit to you all that it took a grand total of 3 months for me to achieve not very much at all.  I’ve been neglecting blogging because I don’t want to admit that I’m not happy…

One of the best ways to convince people that you’re happy is to post photos.  Photos, photos everywhere.  Big smiles from days past.  Happy times with friends, with family.  Times that are not ‘real’ in this present moment but times that make you smile when looking back.  As if looking back can somehow erase the pain that you may feel today…  Which it does, actually, but only briefly…  Which, as you all would have cottoned onto by now, was my recent  facebook attempt at “look at how happy I am!”  Without saying a single word, without updating a single status, without writing a single blog, I can convince you all that I am happy.  Happy with my lot in life.  But I’m not.  Which doesn’t mean I’m unhappy.  Not entirely.  The truth is that I’m scared shitless!!!!  And shit!  Why shouldn’t I be????!!!!  I’m about to have a baby to a man that I haven’t even been with for a year yet.  A man who I’m still learning about.  A man who’s still learning about me.  This me.  Pregnant me.  A man who never wants to get married.  A man from another country who just may want to go back someday.  I’m having a baby and we’re moving 4 weeks later – to QLD.  This part of the equation makes me happy AND sad.  My industry is here, but my family are there.  I have friends there, but I have even closer friends here that I am going to miss terribly.  I have dreams and goals but don’t know how I’ll ever achieve them AND be a mum!  It’s scary!!  On top of all that – I’m in quite a bit of physical pain which seems to only accentuate the emotional pain…

The truth is that I don’t know how to be ‘me’ and a mum.  And although I’d love you all to think that I have it ‘together’, I don’t.  I’d love to be able to get on here today and write a blog about how awesome things are.  About how excited I am.  About how everything’s falling into place beautifully.  But in my present moment, that is not my reality.  And if I have learnt anything at all, it is to accept your present as if you have chosen it.  Accept it AND Welcome it.  Only then can you find the impetus to change it.  For after all, my favourite quote of all time has to be:

“Everything Is As It Should Be”…  Hmmm……

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  1. * Sandy says:

    You know what Emma, I think that being able to articulate those feelings and to do it so publicly suggests that you are more “together” than you think! All those feelings are so real and just stuff you have to sit with…there is no easy fix, you already know that.

    Being honest to yourself and still putting one foot in front of the other means that you will definitely come out in one piece at the other side…..perhaps a slightly different shaped piece than you envisaged yourself to be 12 months ago, but still intact none-the-less.

    All the best with the birth! And good luck with the move. xx

    | Reply Posted 5 years, 4 months ago
  2. * Frank says:

    Dear Emma
    Your scared and you should be scared. You are going to be a mother for the first time and your moving interstate, anybody would be scared! If they say the wouldn’t be they are bullshiting. As for your boyfriend/partner what ever happens, happens.

    One thing i have lernt about life is that it is unexpected. If I asked you a year ago where you would be today, I don’t think you would have said you would be pregie and moving back to Queensland. So how the fuck do you know where you will be in a years time. Life does have its downers but it also has its good times. You know a lot of what I’ve been through and I can still say that.


    You are a beautiful person, a great actor and a great writer and nobody can hide that.

    Lv Frank

    | Reply Posted 5 years, 4 months ago
  3. * Lynnette says:

    Hi Emma,

    I think you are very brave in the way you are facing and reacting towards your fears. Even though some may think blogging is an easy way to vent, it is hard to articulate (as others have said) how you feel and worse, blog the *truth* about how you feel. It is better to face these fears and understand them rather than fear the worst without ever understanding why you are scared in the first place. Yes, you are becoming a mother and that would scare all new mums but also remember, your life has moulded you to who you are. A beautiful caring woman full of love. This baby will have your love, love you like no other and I would imagine that this would be the greatest journey for you and the bub. Enjoy it and just give yourself and the baby all the happiness you can offer. Love and Live life to the fullest. xx

    | Reply Posted 5 years, 4 months ago

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