Blogging my way to getting MOORE outta life!

The Voices Within

Haven’t blogged for a few days as I’ve been writing a play…  A piece that’s dedicated to two friends of mine that had chosen to end their own lives.  Lives that were unnecessarily (in my view) but necessarily (in theirs) cut short.  It’s so devastating when someone makes that decision that they don’t want to live anymore.  That the beauty and the wonder that we see today, they don’t see.  They see only black.  Day after day they experience only sadness.  Only rejection.  Only neglect.

I think that most of us relate to having that feeling from time to time, in very small doses.  I have a very distant memory of it…  And all over a boy.  Actually, it’s my belief that most of our deepest, darkest feelings are in some way connected with the feeling that is normally associated with ultimate happiness…  Love.

The loss of love.

The yearning for love.

The need for love.

The lack of love.

Although love can be a double edged sword, we all want it.  Love has the capacity to make you feel the greatest of highs and the lowest of lows.  It can make you hate someone with pure venom.  It can make you feel as though you are floating through your day on a cloud.  It can make what you may deem to be a somewhat meaningless existence feel like it’s the most important thing in the world.

There’s family love, supportive love, real love, clingy love, love love, but the worst form of all… unrequited love.  How awful is it when you love someone SO much that you can see every waking moment of your future with them?  When you love someone SO much, that you’re sure that they will love you back… if only they could see it.  When you love someone SO much that you’ll do anything and everything for that person.  When you love someone SO much that you’re willing to sacrifice your life in order for them to realize it!!!

So why did they end their turmoil?  Was it to do with love?  Well, in these sorts of circumstances, one can only speculate…  But we know this.  Both were no stranger to rejection from the opposite sex.  Neither had a girlfriend (or had had one in a very long time…  years).  Neither were very close to their families.  One of them had been best man at 3 of his friend’s weddings…  He once joked with me that he was “always a best man, never a man.”  I didn’t get the joke.

During his time of darkness, he had asked someone on a date.  Had been rejected.  Had tried again, same girl, one day before.  Again, rejected.  Sat in front of his TV for an entire night, drinking Jim Beam cans.  Didn’t go to bed.  Was still sitting there, numb, at 10 in the morning when the monster came and hung him from the rafters.

The other spoke to no one.  Took some ‘me-time’…  Nothing wrong with that, is there?? Disappeared for a few days…  Perhaps he thought about driving somewhere but the monster blew poison into his car.  We know nothing more.

Thinking about this awful topic for days and days has been nothing less than hard!  It’s not easy to picture all the things that these young men must’ve gone through & why they didn’t say anything.  But they never say anything.  They’re fine.  They’re just chilling out.  You can’t see what’s going on inside their heads.  You can’t hear the voices they’re hearing.

So that’s what I’m writing about.  About the voices.  The awful, negative, soul-destroying things that they say.

And I think most of us have heard them from time to time.  The difference is that we don’t let them take over.  We don’t let them be right.  We fight.  We fight against the pessimism, and for the most part, we win.

Personally, I think it’s the only fight worth fighting.

If you feel any of these negative feelings and wish you had someone to talk to…  someone who cares…  please…  please…  before you do anything…  no matter how much sense it may make to you at the time, go to

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  1. * Calina says:

    Emma – you write beautifully!

    | Reply Posted 5 years, 5 months ago
  2. * Anonymous says:


    An interesting piece and can’t wait for the play! When your friend had said “always a best man, never a man” it is kind of like a girl saying “always a bridesmaid and never a bride”. You would think though that your friend should have said “groom” at the end instead of “man” though. Maybe his unhappiness was as such that he put that little spin on it as he didn’t feel he was a “man”. He could be someone’s “best man” but not his own “man”. Other people could see him as a man yet he couldn’t see himself as man.

    Majority of guys deal with unrequited love from early on for most of their lives (unless of course they find “the one” and get married – and it lasts) and that is simply how the world works. Most times, the guy has to do the chasing and the girl simply gets caught – therefore the girl already knows the deal if she’s being chased – but the guy can’t know unless he reveals how he feels, at the risk of rejection, which for a lot of guys (myself very much included) is a hell of a lot. And it chips away at you.

    Now, you know me a little bit. We’ve danced salsa! Going down to Plan B on a Tuesday is one of my treasured memories and is certainly a positive. You also know that I can be a pretty negative person, whereas I see myself more as realistic than negative. It’s all perception. We haven’t seen each other for a while, so I’ll give you an update.

    – Haven’t worked since November 2009. My disability (hypersomnolence – a sleep disorder) led to too many absences and poor punctuality so I was deemed “unfit for duty”. I am still employed there, but can’t return until a Dr says I’m “fit for duty”.

    – I was given an order to vacate my premises that same week (Nov 09) so with no income, I’ve had to return home to the parents, which occurred at Easter 2010.

    – I have some mystery inflammation in my ankles and knees and clubbed fingers which I’ve been having tests for since October 09, and spent a week in hospital (January 2010) over it, yet they still haven’t been able to figure it out. Some days, I need to walk with a cane. At the same time, work has sent me to a Fitness for Duty assessment, which the Dr really couldn’t answer so I’m still “deemed unfit”, and process continues.

    There’s been a couple of other smaller things but it all adds up and no, there’s no unrequited love in the mix – I gave up on intimacy when I turned 35. You’ll call it negative and I’ll call it realistic – Would a girl go out with a disabled guy who takes pharmaceutical “speed” to function, can’t work, can’t drive, can’t drink and can’t go out at night – Sorry Em, I just don’t see it.

    So, right now, my present and future is uncertain. I may never work again (retirement due to invalidity has been brought up), which means I’ll never have any real money to do anything, like move out from my parents place for starters. I already know that the sleep disorder is life long, which means I’ll never drive a car again as well as the social implications (like sleeping on the couch in Plan B and have people tell Andy “there’s some wasted guy in the back, he might have OD’d.” Where do I dig out the positives to hang on to? I spend more time with doctors than anyone else (and I have four different ones and a psychologist). Most people don’t even understand the disability because I don’t have a wheelchair or a Labrador, they just think I’m lazy, not interested or don’t care. Well, now I’m starting to not care anymore…and I seem to be getting angrier at everything.

    I’m sure people have heard the voices before and fought them off. What if the voices don’t stop? Or they come back again and again. To fight the pessimism, you need the right weaponry in your arsenal. Clearly, Emma, you have it – optimism – probably in the guise of some big, bad ass broad sword (I’ve seen you with weapons!) which you wield two handed. I also know that I don’t have a broad sword, only a blunt and broken old battle-axe, which only keeps the voices at arms length. What happens if it breaks? While I’m fighting the only thing worth fighting for with the wrong weapon, I don’t have time for anything or anyone else.

    And of course, you can get people to help, and help they do. They come in with their two handed broad sword and it’s done. For now. But what about at 3am when you’re alone in the dark and the monster comes? All I have is the old battle-axe and the fight starts again.

    I do wish to have a broad sword like you Emma, but it’s not like you can buy this kind of weaponry at a store, is it?

    One time, during a dark moment, I quipped to a friend, “Life’s not for everyone”. Naturally, he talked me down of that ledge, but of late I’m starting to think about that more and more.

    I’m starting to think that I’ll never win.

    | Reply Posted 5 years, 5 months ago

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