The Voices Within
Haven’t blogged for a few days as I’ve been writing a play… A piece that’s dedicated to two friends of mine that had chosen to end their own lives. Lives that were unnecessarily (in my view) but necessarily (in theirs) cut short. It’s so devastating when someone makes that decision that they don’t want to live anymore. That the beauty and the wonder that we see today, they don’t see. They see only black. Day after day they experience only sadness. Only rejection. Only neglect.
I think that most of us relate to having that feeling from time to time, in very small doses. I have a very distant memory of it… And all over a boy. Actually, it’s my belief that most of our deepest, darkest feelings are in some way connected with the feeling that is normally associated with ultimate happiness… Love.
The loss of love.
The yearning for love.
The need for love.
The lack of love.
Although love can be a double edged sword, we all want it. Love has the capacity to make you feel the greatest of highs and the lowest of lows. It can make you hate someone with pure venom. It can make you feel as though you are floating through your day on a cloud. It can make what you may deem to be a somewhat meaningless existence feel like it’s the most important thing in the world.
There’s family love, supportive love, real love, clingy love, love love, but the worst form of all… unrequited love. How awful is it when you love someone SO much that you can see every waking moment of your future with them? When you love someone SO much, that you’re sure that they will love you back… if only they could see it. When you love someone SO much that you’ll do anything and everything for that person. When you love someone SO much that you’re willing to sacrifice your life in order for them to realize it!!!
So why did they end their turmoil? Was it to do with love? Well, in these sorts of circumstances, one can only speculate… But we know this. Both were no stranger to rejection from the opposite sex. Neither had a girlfriend (or had had one in a very long time… years). Neither were very close to their families. One of them had been best man at 3 of his friend’s weddings… He once joked with me that he was “always a best man, never a man.” I didn’t get the joke.
During his time of darkness, he had asked someone on a date. Had been rejected. Had tried again, same girl, one day before. Again, rejected. Sat in front of his TV for an entire night, drinking Jim Beam cans. Didn’t go to bed. Was still sitting there, numb, at 10 in the morning when the monster came and hung him from the rafters.
The other spoke to no one. Took some ‘me-time’… Nothing wrong with that, is there?? Disappeared for a few days… Perhaps he thought about driving somewhere but the monster blew poison into his car. We know nothing more.
Thinking about this awful topic for days and days has been nothing less than hard! It’s not easy to picture all the things that these young men must’ve gone through & why they didn’t say anything. But they never say anything. They’re fine. They’re just chilling out. You can’t see what’s going on inside their heads. You can’t hear the voices they’re hearing.
So that’s what I’m writing about. About the voices. The awful, negative, soul-destroying things that they say.
And I think most of us have heard them from time to time. The difference is that we don’t let them take over. We don’t let them be right. We fight. We fight against the pessimism, and for the most part, we win.
Personally, I think it’s the only fight worth fighting.
If you feel any of these negative feelings and wish you had someone to talk to… someone who cares… please… please… before you do anything… no matter how much sense it may make to you at the time, go to http://www.beyondblue.org.au